Healing from loss (even after 10 years)

Around this time of year something happens to me.  I usually don't even notice my being more emotional until I have a seemingly random crying spell.  Then I look at the calendar and yes, that explains it....even after ten years I still have the date seared into my brain.  It's the strangest thing what our hearts and minds can store.  Ten years ago to this very day i miscarried my precious baby.   Two weeks before that I had found out I was pregnant despite having an IUD.  Even though we weren't planning on another baby we were quite excited about the idea of another little Eckstein to add to our family.  The doctors removed the IUD and took some blood work to see how far along I was.  We decided to take a drive to visit our family.  On our way we received a phone call from my midwife saying we must get back, something was wrong and we couldn't wait.  So we turned around (our poor girls crying in the back seat because they were so looking forward to seeing their Grammy and Grampa) and headed to the hospital.  When we got to the hospital they took more blood, did a sonogram and explained that I had no choice but to have a shot containing a medicine that would terminate the pregnancy.  They explained that it was an ectopic pregnancy and that if I did not take the shot immediately than I would be risking my life.  After what seemed like hours Shannan took the girls to the truck and I went to another department to receive a shot in my hip.  I felt cold, apathetic and numb.  We went to visit my family that weekend and told them what had happened where I received lots of prayers and hugs.  On our way home I think the reality of all of what had happened started to sink in.  I began to get a sinking feeling that I had made the wrong choice and that my baby was not actually ectopic.  The feeling was so strong that the very next day I called and asked for an appointment.  When I got into the office I asked for a sonogram and as soon as I saw the screen I knew I was right.  I saw what was a normal early pregnancy heartbeat and all.  The midwife started to apologize and said that it was a normal uterine pregnancy and said she needed to get the doctor.  When she left the room I quickly got dressed and left.  I was hysterical.  I took poison that would most likely kill my child.   The next two weeks were a blur of changing doctors and phone calls.  I was so depressed not knowing what was going to happen.  If the baby survived he or she would most likely be severely handicapped because of the medicine.  I didn't even know how or what to pray.  After two of the most agonizing weeks of my life I miscarried.  It was so sad.  I knew that this was not how it was meant to be.  This a baby should have lived. 

 It's been 10 years and I still battle guilt and grieve a child I will never hold in this lifetime.   I long for the day when mommies hold their babies they never held.  When hearts are mended and whole.  I am so thankful that even though this world is full of error and sin that God is perfect and pure and redeems.  This very difficult time in my life was not what God wanted but I know that he will use this for good.  He is a redeeming God.  He is my healer.

If God be for me who can be against me......

This scripture from Romans 8 has been in my head almost constantly lately.  If God is for me than who can be against me?  I am His, he is mine.  He is alway victorious.  He is never wrong.  His ways are perfect.  He is a beautiful redeemer.  His strength is perfect.  He is  provider.  He is healer.  He is a perfect father.  He is my hiding place.  He knows me.  He loves me.

There are days that are harder than others.  Praying for my focus to be on Jesus.  I will choose to hold tightly to the request and loosely to the process.

Summer see ya laters

We are in the middle of some huge changes.  HUGE.  We are moving in the next couple of months.  Moving from everything the kids have ever known.  Moving from some of the sweetest people I've ever met.  Moving from an amazing church family.   Moving from a community who rallied around us, people they didn't even know, and helped us raise money for our adoption time and time again.  There are so many things I'm going to miss about Aroostook County, which is funny, when we first moved here 16 years ago I thought I was going to die.  I thought that this was the end of the world, a black hole that would suck me in forever.  I remember saying to my wonderful husband, it's ok, we'll be ok for a few months and then we'll move back.....16 years later..... I remember imagining myself  driving a u haul honking and waving and dancing on outta the county.  Nope, not at all.  It's going to be a sad day.  I've learned so much about community and relationship and deep friendships and slowing down and faith in God and answered prayers and true religion. Such sweetness.  I pray these are tools that God has placed in our hands for our next adventure.

Happy sweet sixteen Anniversary!!

Shannan,

How on earth did this even happen?  No seriously I.dont.get.it.  One day we were all giddy driving our little Toyota Tercel through Virginia on our honeymoon like we knew what we were doing (without the GPS chic), counting money from our wedding cards (I'm not sure we even read them, just rip, dump, rip)  we had it to.geth.ER.  I mean you were like a top janitor and all educated and graduated from college and I was a rockin'  secretary.  We were in the process of clearing our land to plop our 1980 something trailer onto.  Which would be right up the road from mom and dads and down the road from the aunts uncles and all the cousins of course.  We owned a stereo player, some dishes and I could make Shepard's pie like.a.boss. Life was good and easy and we had so.much.to.learn...

Flip forward SIXTEEN years.... We have been through a few things.  Ok a lot of things.  FOUR kids and one coming straight from Haiti (what on earth thats  FIVE kids!!)  my health issues, kids health issues, surgeries (last count was 22), miscarriages, heartbreak, waiting (oh the waiting) and surrender..... lots of surrender to a Holy God who is ALWAYS faithful, always good.   This is besides all the "regular" stuff we've had to figure out when two people become one.  Nope,  it's not been easy. But if we would have thrown in the towel we wouldn't have been able to see the beauty and miracles that we are getting to see now.  So, thank you.

Thank you for growing in your relationship with Jesus, for being as stubborn as an ox, for sticking with me in the ugly, for being a great daddy, for breaking generational chains and for fighting for us.  I am so grateful and privileged to be called your wife.  I love you.  God is good.  And we have so.much.to.learn. XO -Emma