Healing from loss (even after 10 years)

Around this time of year something happens to me.  I usually don't even notice my being more emotional until I have a seemingly random crying spell.  Then I look at the calendar and yes, that explains it....even after ten years I still have the date seared into my brain.  It's the strangest thing what our hearts and minds can store.  Ten years ago to this very day i miscarried my precious baby.   Two weeks before that I had found out I was pregnant despite having an IUD.  Even though we weren't planning on another baby we were quite excited about the idea of another little Eckstein to add to our family.  The doctors removed the IUD and took some blood work to see how far along I was.  We decided to take a drive to visit our family.  On our way we received a phone call from my midwife saying we must get back, something was wrong and we couldn't wait.  So we turned around (our poor girls crying in the back seat because they were so looking forward to seeing their Grammy and Grampa) and headed to the hospital.  When we got to the hospital they took more blood, did a sonogram and explained that I had no choice but to have a shot containing a medicine that would terminate the pregnancy.  They explained that it was an ectopic pregnancy and that if I did not take the shot immediately than I would be risking my life.  After what seemed like hours Shannan took the girls to the truck and I went to another department to receive a shot in my hip.  I felt cold, apathetic and numb.  We went to visit my family that weekend and told them what had happened where I received lots of prayers and hugs.  On our way home I think the reality of all of what had happened started to sink in.  I began to get a sinking feeling that I had made the wrong choice and that my baby was not actually ectopic.  The feeling was so strong that the very next day I called and asked for an appointment.  When I got into the office I asked for a sonogram and as soon as I saw the screen I knew I was right.  I saw what was a normal early pregnancy heartbeat and all.  The midwife started to apologize and said that it was a normal uterine pregnancy and said she needed to get the doctor.  When she left the room I quickly got dressed and left.  I was hysterical.  I took poison that would most likely kill my child.   The next two weeks were a blur of changing doctors and phone calls.  I was so depressed not knowing what was going to happen.  If the baby survived he or she would most likely be severely handicapped because of the medicine.  I didn't even know how or what to pray.  After two of the most agonizing weeks of my life I miscarried.  It was so sad.  I knew that this was not how it was meant to be.  This a baby should have lived. 

 It's been 10 years and I still battle guilt and grieve a child I will never hold in this lifetime.   I long for the day when mommies hold their babies they never held.  When hearts are mended and whole.  I am so thankful that even though this world is full of error and sin that God is perfect and pure and redeems.  This very difficult time in my life was not what God wanted but I know that he will use this for good.  He is a redeeming God.  He is my healer.